lol

“I’m going to be a nun for Halloween. Well, really I’m going to be a cross-dressing monk.”

That’s the Spirit (Literally)

“I’m going to eat healthy if it kills me.”

What Are You Saying About My Shoes?

“You can’t say ‘If I were in their shoes,’ because you would still be you, just in better shoes.’

That’s What I Call a Real Friend

“I wasn’t pretending I didn’t know you. I was too busy laughing at you to remember I did.”

I Thought You Thought You Knew Everything

“I’m not going to ask you something I don’t know; my ego’s too big.”

Thanks for the Great Service; Here’s Twenty Bucks.

“Waitresses like little notes and big tips.”

Huh?

“I’m tripping over my cognitive dissonance.”

Someone Forgot the Camel

“It was like the straw breaking for me.”

The Way Some People Dress, I Would Agree

“If verbiage is a person’s entire vocabulary and signage is an entire group of signs, then garbage must be a person’s whole wardrobe.”

Semantics

“I don’t end my sentences with prepositions, I end my sentences with punctuation.”